Saddam Hussein Stole My Croissant

Yes, it’s true.  I only wish I had taken a photo at the time to actually prove what I’m saying because it’s all true…

Towards the end of my holiday in Scotland, did I mention I went to Scotland for my holiday this year?  Anyway, towards the end of my holiday I spent a night at a hotel near a busy A-road not far from the Motorway which led to Glasgow (as well as other places).

It was a typical sort of place where businessmen are found before or after meetings.  There was a conference room for their meetings and even a golf course round the back for informal meetings.  Although I wasn’t there for a meeting.  I was on holiday.

It was the morning after the day before when I got there and I was heading for breakfast.  I think this was a new service that the hotel was trying out, breakfast that is not mornings. 

I say this because breakfast was being served on some tables that were placed end to end with some coloured paper over the top of them in a bar lounge.  Also, the pretty staff girl re-filling a big jug of milk told me “We’re new to this, we don’t normally do breakfast here”.

So there I was stood in line, before me were several foreign businessmen in their suits and speaking broken English as well as another language that I didn’t know.

They weren’t speaking French, I know because I did French at school when I was 11.  It wasn’t German, I know because I’ve seen lots of War movies on the telly and also I met some real Germans once when I was on another holiday before, they were on the sun loungers near a swimming pool.  I reckon they were speaking some Arabic type of language.  The foreign type business men, not the Germans by the sun loungers.

So, there was this large bowl half-full of croissants that I had my eye on.  I didn’t much fancy a bowl of cereal and milk and the idea of a couple of croissants and a coffee seemed appealing.

But to my ire the bowl was emptying fast.  Then to my absolute dismay I noticed the hand of the chap three ahead of me in line reach into the bowl and take the last two croissants.  He was wearing a light green suit, I know this because I saw the sleeve.

I scowled at him, but he didn’t notice because the chap two ahead of me in the line towered between us and obscured my view.

When I got to the empty bowl I politely asked if there were any more croissants, only to be told that there weren’t anymore because they didn’t normally do breakfast here.  Then something was murmured about not expecting everyone to have croissants.  Well they got that right, because I blooming well didn’t get any croissants.

Later, I sat sadly looking at my disappointing cardboardy cereal and happened to glance up.  There, sitting on a nearby table opposite to me were the foreign type businessmen.

I scanned them looking for the light green suit so that I could scowl.  And there he was, right in the middle of the pack, the focus and gravity of the group, sporting his light green suit and happily spreading marmalade on to the last of the croissants.  Yes, there’s  absolutely no mistaking him, undeniably, unquestionably, it was Saddam Hussein.

He looked well though I thought, considering the Americans or someone had him locked away in prison.  He was clean shaven except for the big caterpillar of a moustache just like he used to have.

That’s when the awful truth of the situation struck.  Now it’s a well known fact Saddam used body doubles to help foil any assassination attempts and help open shopping malls and what have you when he couldn’t be bothered to go himself.  I say it’s a well known fact but I’m not actually sure that it is well known or come to think of it even a fact.  I think I might have heard it mentioned somewhere.  Anyway if we take it as a given, then the whole surreal situation make perfect sense.

While a well paid, hypnotised or mad (tick as appropriate) body double languishes in jail awaiting sentencing (this was in early August 2006 don’t forget) the real Saddam, complete with entourage travels up and down the highways and byways of the United Kingdom staying at bed and breakfast hotels. 

Makes perfect sense.

It’s the last place you’d look for him and he never sleeps at the same place for more than one night at a time.

So there you have it. 

Saddam Hussein, subjugator of millions, stole my croissant. 

The Bastard.